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Are you sure? Ten terrible reasons to get married

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Getting married is a big deal. Think about it — you are choosing a person with whom to spend your life. That’s not a decision that should be taken lightly.

We all know that there are people who do. These people enter into marriage with the idea that if it doesn’t work out they can always get a divorce. This is definitely the wrong mindset to have. Granted, you may not know what spouse will be like in twenty years time, but if you are not getting married “for better or for worse” then why exactly are you?

Think about this carefully: why are you getting married? You’ll probably answer because you are in love. But why else? If it is one of the following reasons, we strongly recommend getting counselling before heading down the aisle.

1. You want children now

Wanting to start a family together is an excellent reason to get married. If you found the person that you want to start a family with, congratulations. But if you are marrying a man or woman whom you are not convinced is the life partner for you because of your desire to be a parent, you should reconsider. Women sometimes take this step because they are worried about getting too old to have kids; men do the same if they are desperate to become dads.

2. It’s time

You’ve been together of 3, 4, 5 or more years. If you were waiting until you were older, more established in your career or bought a house, that’s all well and good. But if you are simply getting married because it seems like the next logical step, you need to speak to a relationship counsellor.

3. You really want a big party

Many of us — men and women — have spent years dreaming about our wedding day. Wanting to have a wedding, but not necessarily a marriage, is a recipe for disaster. The problem with wedding planning is that it can take so much time and energy that we focus on that instead of what comes after. But the aftermath — marriage — is what a wedding is all about.

4. Your partner is probably the best girl or guy you’ve dated

You’ve met a lovely man or woman — the kind of person you were happy to introduce to Mom and Pop. They are sweet, kind and they love you. That’s all very well, but if you don’t really love them back, you’ll never be happily married together.

5. To fix a broken relationship

Some people think getting married will fix the problems in their relationship. It won’t. In fact, it will make them worse. You need to deal with relationship issues before getting married. If you are incompatible it is better to learn this before you get married, not after.

6. All your friends are married

Good for them — but getting married to keep abreast with your peers is plain stupid. We all find love at a different pace. Maybe it will just take you a little longer — there’s nothing wrong with that.

7. You’re head over heels

Everybody has heard the stories — the couple that got married after knowing each other a week or a month and are just as madly in love 10, 20 or 30 years later. For the most part, impetuous marriages don’t last. If you don’t really know the person you are marrying, you have not thought through the decision to get married.

8. Because he or she asked

If you are in love with someone and they ask you to marry them, it seems obvious that you’ll say yes. But if you are not emotionally and mentally ready for marriage, or you have doubts about your intended, you really should postpone saying: “I do.”

9. Your parents want you to settle down

Your parents probably want what is best for you. They may also want grandchildren. However, getting married to please your folks is sure to backfire.

10. Your partner is pressuring you

Like point 9, getting married because someone else wants you to is a bad idea. Sometimes this person may be the man or woman in your life. He or she may be ready to settle down, but if you are not, you probably should wait.

Most of us have doubts and fears as we approach getting married. Cold feet are normal. However, it definitely helps to talk to a relationship counsellor if you are unsure. It will put things in perspective and help you to decide whether or not you are ready to get married. If you don’t really want to get married, you shouldn’t. It’s not fair on you or your partner, and it is definitely not fair on any children you may have.

4 Very Well Known Marriage Busters: Are you Guilty of any of These?

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So you’ve married the love of your life and nothing is gonna tear you apart. Not like your brother James and his ex Ashley; and definitely not like your cousin Trisha whose divorce was a long, loud, painful process. Good for you! But just one question — are you sure?

Everybody knows there are certain behaviours almost guaranteed to break up a marriage. Infidelity is one; domestic violence is another. You may be sure you would ever do these — but what about the everyday bad behaviours that destroy a happy relationship?

John Gottman is one of the world’s leading researchers on why marriages survive or fail. He has studied hundreds of couples having arguments and is able to predict with up to 94 percent accuracy if a marriage will fail. His research shows that certain behaviours are more corrosive to happiness than others. Take a deep breath — these are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling

Let’s have a look at exactly what these mean.

Criticism

All couples argue and have complaints from time to time. A complaint is a statement about wanting something to change; a criticism is a negative statement, with the underlying message that someone should change.

Here is an example of a complaint: “I am upset because you promised to pick up the groceries and now we have nothing for dinner. I need to be able to rely on you.”

This same issue could be phrased as a criticism: “You said you’d get the groceries, but you just couldn’t be bothered. I can’t trust you do anything. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

Bad news ladies! Studies show that women are consistently more critical than men.

Defensiveness

If you can never admit you have flaws or were in that wrong, that’s defensiveness. It’s also very frustrating!

Taking our argument about the groceries above, here is an example of defensiveness: “It’s not my fault. You can’t expect me to do everything. You know how hard I work. You could have easily picked up the groceries yourself.”

A smarter strategy is to try a response such as this: “I’m sorry. I was distracted at work and it slipped my mind. I know my memory isn’t the best, but I will try to do better in future. Maybe you could help by reminding me next time?”

Contempt

Contempt tells your partner that you have no respect for him or her. Sarcasm, disrespect and extreme criticism are all forms of contempt.

Let us return to our couple arguing about the groceries: “I think saying I don’t care about anyone else is unfair. That upsets me.” Here our forgetful partner does not resort to contempt in the face of criticism.

Contempt would look something like this: “I don’t care? Give me a break! You’re so selfish, you wouldn’t know what caring looked like. When was the last time you did anything for anyone? Let me think. Hmmm, uh, that’s right – never!”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling, or “giving the silent treatment”, is a refusal to talk to your partner or look for a resolution. Stonewalling is silent contempt – the message is that just can’t be bothered.

If an argument is getting heated, it’s fine to take a time out, but let your partner know. Say something like: “This is getting too intense. I need a break. I’d like to go for a walk and calm down. I’ll be back in an hour and we can finish this then.” Stonewalling would be more like this: “Yeah, whatever. I’m going out.”

And now, bad news for the men! Men are more likely to use stonewalling than women. Sometimes it is because they feel unable to respond, but stonewalling adds extra fire to an argument and makes the person on the receiving end frustrated and angry.

So there you have it — four marriage busters. If you have been guilty of any of these you’ll need to make a real effort to change in future. It’ll be worth it. You’ll have a happier spouse and a stronger marriage.