You would think having lots of sex would make couples happier. After all that seems like common sense. If your relationship is going well, you’re more inclined to have sex; and if you are having plenty of sex, well then, your relationship must be going well.

Interesting enough, newlyweds who have a lot of sex don’t report being more satisfied than those who have sex less often. But the key word here is “report.” New research published in Psychological Science has found that their automatic behavioural responses don’t align with this.

According to Lindsey L. Hicks of Florida State University who lead the research, plenty of sex does affect how partners feel about each other.

“We found that the frequency with which couples have sex has no influence on whether or not they report being happy with their relationship, but their sexual frequency does influence their more spontaneous, automatic, gut-level feelings about their partners,” Hicks explains.

“This is important in light of research from my colleagues demonstrating that these automatic attitudes ultimately predict whether couples end up becoming dissatisfied with their relationship.”

Frequent sex offers many benefits from an evolutionary perspective. It makes it more likely that children will be conceived and it helps bond partners, which is certainly ideal for child-rearing. However, when scientists ask couples about their sex lives and relationship satisfaction, they generally don’t find a correlation between the two. It may well be because people are often uncomfortable discussing their sex lives — particularly with curious researchers!

“We thought these inconsistencies may stem from the influence of deliberate reasoning and biased beliefs regarding the sometimes taboo topic of sex,” says Hicks.

Obviously our gut-level reactions don’t require deliberation — that’s why they are called gut feelings. Hicks and her team hypothesised that gut feelings may be influenced by implicit perceptions and associations that we’re not consciously aware of. To test this, they decided to assess relationship satisfaction using self-reporting surveys and automatic behavioural measures.

In their study, a total of 216 newlyweds completed a questionnaire about their relationship; the extent they agreed with statements such as “we have a good marriage”; and their overall feelings towards their partner and their marriage. The researchers also asked couples to estimate how many times they had had sex in the previous four months.

After that they completed a computer classification task. Participants looked a computer screen, words appeared, and they had to decide whether the word was positive or negative. However, before a word appeared, a picture of their partner flashed onscreen for 300 milliseconds.

The thinking behind this was that participants’ response times would indicate how strongly the word and partner were associated at an automatic level — the faster the response time, the stronger the association between the word and the partner. If the participants took more time to respond to negative words than positive words, it would suggest that the partner’s picture was associated with implicit positive feelings.

Like other researchers before them, Hicks and her team found no association between how often a couple had sex and their self-reported levels of happiness. However, the automatic behavioural responses told a different story. Frequency of sex was correlated with positive implicit gut feelings about their partners. The more sex a couple had, the more strongly they associated their partners with positive attributes. And what’s more, it was the same for men and women.

“Our findings suggest that we’re capturing different types of evaluations when we measure explicit and automatic evaluations of a partner or relationship,” says Hicks. “Deep down, some people feel unhappy with their partner but they don’t readily admit it to us, or perhaps even themselves.”

Of course, as Hicks and her team noted, asking couples to remember who often they have sex is an imprecise measure, and it is not yet clear if the findings are applicable to all couples or just newlyweds like the couples they studied. However, the findings are certainly interesting.

“These studies illustrate that some of our experiences, which can be either positive or negative, affect our relationship evaluations whether we know it or not,” Hicks concludes.

Many men worry about premature ejaculation or simply think they would satisfy their partner’s more if they lasted that bit longer. Maybe, maybe not. Most people have poor timekeeping skills when we are having sex. Ten minutes can seem like three, or thirty.

A man who can last and last and last is not everyone’s desire. And some men have misconceived notions about how long they should last from watching porn.

Having said that, if premature ejaculation is a problem, you can learn to control your responses. This takes time (and practice) so it’s best to start alone.

The trick is to masturbate and learn at what point ejaculation becomes inevitable. Once you have identified this, masturbate until you almost reach this point, then stop stimulating yourself until the urge has passed.

With practice you should be able to bring yourself almost to the point of orgasm and then be able to back down again.

However, if you need some help while you are still learning, here are some things to try:

• One of the simplest things to do is simply to masturbate some time before having sex.
• Wear an erection ring that prevents blood from leaving the penis.
• Desensitisation. Try condoms with a numbing agent or thicker condoms.
• Bring your partner to orgasm first either orally or manually. If she’s been sexually satisfied this way, shorter penetrative sex will be less frustrating. Alternatively, invest in a good sex toy to help proceedings along or to extend the sexual experience for her after you’ve ejaculated.
• Many men think that once they start the penetration, that’s it. For most women, hours and hours of penetrative sex are generally not needed as the vagina will get sore after a while. Have sex, stop for a while and stimulate your partner either orally or manually again to give yourself a bit of a break.

Kegel Exercises

Kegels can help you control your ejaculation, by exercising the PC or pubococcygeus muscle. As for women, this is the muscle you would use to stop the flow of urine in mid-stream. There are a number of different exercises – chose the one you like best and stick to it. Just make sure you’ve located the correct muscle before you begin.

Exercise 1

Clench and unclench your PC muscle for 10 seconds.Take a 10 second break. Perform three times, then take a 30 second break.

Clench and unclench for 5 seconds with 5 second breaks in between. Do this 10 times in a row.

Clench your PC muscle for 30 seconds and release for 30 seconds. Repeat 3 times.

Repeat all the above exercises once again. Do this exercise daily.

Exercise 2

Clench your PC muscle and count to 5. Release. Repeat 10 times.

Clench and release your PC muscle 10 times quickly. Repeat 3 times.

Tighten and release your PC muscle in long and short intervals for counts of 10. Repeat 3 times.

Clench your muscle and hold it for as long as you can. Aim to work your way up to 120 seconds.

Repeat this exercise daily.

Exercise 3

Clench and releasing your muscle for 2 minutes a day and work your way up to doing it for 20 minutes at least 3 times a day.You should eventually be able to perform at least 200 repetitions per session.

With all exercise, this takes time.You should notice a difference in 4 to 8 weeks.

Men with good PC muscle control not only find it easier to delay orgasm, but can also learn to be multi-orgasmic. The trick is to masturbate. When you reach the point where you are about to come, squeeze the PC muscle. Eventually you should not only be able to stop ejaculation, but experience the sensation of orgasm without ejaculating.

While low libido is the most common female sexual problem, erectile difficulties are the most common male one.

Many men experience erectile difficulties at some point or other. This does not necessarily mean you will need a prescription for Viagra. Lifestyle issues, such as stress or drinking, or other health problems may be the cause.

Like low libido, lifestyle issues such as alcohol, drugs, poor diet and a lack of exercise can all affect your erection. And in a similar vein, problems such as work or money worries do too. This means that lifestyle changes can fix the problem, but it it still wisest to see your doctor.

Although it may be embarrassing, it is important to consult your doctor so that he or she can rule out any underlying health issues. Older men in particular may assume that age is the problem. However, it is entirely possible that erectile problems are caused by an undiagnosed illness. For the sake of your health, we strongly urge you to see your doctor.

It can be dangerous to diagnose yourself. Furthermore, trying to treat the problem by buying drugs such as Viagra over the Internet is a terrible idea. You have no idea if you are getting the real thing, or at least a decent generic equivalent. That means that these may not work, or worse still, they could contain harmful substances.

A man who has recurrent erectile problems may draw away from his partner. He may be ashamed or fear that he will be unable to perform. This in turn may cause him to withdraw emotionally as well as sexually. A committed partner can weather the storms of erectile problems a lot easier than being frozen out.

Some people have naturally low libidos, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, if your’s seems to have fallen off a cliff and you are unhappy about that, read on…

Low libido is the most common sexual problem experienced by women in longterm relationships. Some women ascribe this to age, and this is partly true. Desire does dampen as you get older, but often it is lifestyle issues, such as stress and children, sexual boredom or emotional problems that are to blame. If you suspect you know where the problem is, share this information with your partner and do what you can to correct it.

For example, if the problem is tiredness, you may not be able to cut down on the hours you work, but perhaps some extra help around the house could make a difference.

Sex therapists suggest that the best way to fire up the libido is to be sexual, even if you are not really in the mood. For many women this idea is unthinkable, but be that as it may, this is the best solution.

Try setting the scene, taking a long bath, having a date with your partner or wearing lingerie – these can all help. Ask your partner to do all the things you most enjoyed when your libido was stronger.

There is an important caveat here. We are not saying that anyone, man or woman, should have sex if they don’t want to. In fact, that’s a terrible idea. If you are performing sex as a duty instead of a way of being intimate with the man or woman you love, sex will be seen as a duty and a chore. That will dampen desire further. Besides which, nobody owes anybody sex, no matter if you are married or together for a long time.

Instead, the idea is to get yourself into a headspace where desire can flourish. Sometimes you need a little push to get going. Think of the libido like a engine – you have to keep firing it up or it gets sluggish.

Many couples experience sexual problems now and again. This does not have to mean the end of your sex life, but you have got to be willing to talk about the issue. While most of us can talk about sex when we are happy, we tend to clam up if there is a problem. Low libido is a common problem. However, it is not a problem if you naturally have a low libido. There is no “right” libido. Some people want to have sex every day; others would be happy with sex once a month. What is important is that you and your partner are happy. What we are discussing here is a change to your amount of sexual desire, and a change that you are unhappy about.

Lack of desire can occur for many reasons. Here are the ten most common causes:

Stress and Anxiety

This is one of the biggest libido killers in both men and women. It’s also bad for your health generally.

Emotional Issues

An unhappy relationship and general dissatisfaction with life is one of the biggest causes of low libido in women.

Diet

Junk food with its high sugar, salt and fat content makes you unhealthy and this can dampen desire. Eating sensibly should help restore your desire after a month or two.

Weight and Exercise

Too much of one and not enough of the other can leave you feeling sluggish in the bedroom. According to the experts, losing just ten pounds can increase levels of testosterone and lead to greater desire. Exercise such as yoga, brisk walking or cycling for 20 minutes three times a results in better blood circulation and increases sexual functioning and desire.

Anaemia

Women lose iron every month due to menstruation. Try eating iron rich foods or taking supplements.

Medical Problems

Being ill, particularly long-term, can make you feel pretty uninterested in sex. Some medicines, such as anti-depressants, are well known to cause low libido. Speak to your doctor. You may be eligible for loser dosages or news anti-depressants which don’t affect the libido.

Lack of Sleep

Lack of sleep makes you tired, stressed and unhappy, all of which make you less keen to have sex.

The Past

An abusive relationship or past sexual trauma obviously affects desire. There are no quick fix solutions, just appropriate counselling and time.

Hormones

Menopause, andropause and any hormonal changes affect your libido. After giving birth your hormones are out of whack and your body has endured major trauma, so this will pass, but if you think it’s gone on too long, you need to consult a doctor. Certain contraceptive pills seem to be so effective because they kill off any desire to have sex. Get your doctor to switch you to a different contraceptive instead.

Alcohol and Drugs

Long-term substance abuse kills desire.

Very few women reach orgasm every time they have sex. It’s perfectly normal, although it can be disappointing. Product studies show that gels such as Play O can help, but there are a number of other things you can do to help yourself get there.

Trick your body

Get your partner to give you clitoral stimulation until you have almost reached the point of orgasm before he enters.The idea is to let the thrusting become the final orgasm trigger and build a “bridge” between clitoral stimulation and penetrative sex. According to the experts, up to 50% of women who couldn’t orgasm through intercourse alone managed to do so without clitoral stimulation after using this technique regularly.

Orgasm Triggers

A second trick is to develop your orgasm triggers.The act of smiling tells your brain that you are happy and this triggers the release serotonin, the hormone that makes you feel happy. You can use the same idea for orgasm. Learn to recognise the signals your body makes when orgasm is just round the corner – the sounds you make, way you move – and exaggerate them. The more your brain believes orgasm is approaching, the easier it is to achieve climax.

Kegel Execises

The PC muscle is the pubococcygeus muscles – bit of a mouthful. If you are not sure where this muscle is, it’s the one you’d use to stop the flow of pee in mid-stream. Exercising this muscle has many benefits such as preventing incontinence in later life! This is the muscle that you need to exercise to help you achieve orgasm on a more regular basis.These are known as Kegel exercises.

Find the PC muscle by trying to stop peeing mid-stream. Or you can insert a finger inside your vagina and squeeze the muscles. You should feel a tightening sensation.

In a sitting or standing position, clench your PC muscle. Hold for 5 seconds. Relax for 5 seconds. Repeat 5 times.

Work up to clenching the muscles for 10 seconds, taking a 10 second break in between each. Repeat three times a day.

Count to 10 (working up to 20). Clench and relax you PC muscle each time you say a number. Repeat 10 times.

You should notice a difference in 8 to 12 weeks. Don’t practice Kegel exercises with a full bladder or while emptying your bladder. This can weaken the muscles and increase your risk of a urinary tract infection.

Don’t focus on it

Ironically really wanting to have an orgasm, and the fear that you’ll disappoint your partner, can make you feel pressured and thus less likely to have one.

Spend time with your body

You need to know how your body responds to pleasure.This means spending quality time alone and stimulating your erogenous zones in various ways to find out what works for you. Sometimes this can be easier with a partner as you often have a stronger sexual response when someone else is touching you.

Mix it up

Add toys to your sex life, either alone or with a partner.There are hundreds of choices out there, so check out review sites before purchasing.

Fantasy

Allow yourself to explore sexual fantasies while with your partner. Fantasies can increase your level of arousal and make you more aware of the sensations your body is feeling. If you feel comfortable enough with your partner, it can be very satisfying to act out various fantasy scenarios. If not, feel free to play your own erotic movie in your head.

Let go

Relinquish control and allow your body to experience the physical and emotional sensations of sex. Many women have difficulty reaching orgasm simply because they are suspicious of pleasure and thus don’t allow themselves to feel it.

Communicate

Don’t be shy about telling your partner want kind of stimulation you want and how much. Many women have penetrative sex before they are ready because they worry they take “too long” to get turned on. There is no correct amount of time – all women are different.